My Awkward Awakening
Self-Discovery. Though it sounds like such a whimsical and adventurous process to dive in and unveil the person you were meant to be to this world; it’s not quite as magical when one discovers that person is socially awkward to her core. Mix in a dose of pride with that awkwardness and you have a person who is simultaneously oblivious to the reality that she is causing discomfort amongst others without intention.
If you didn’t already know- the person I am referring to in third person is myself.
Once I became conscious of my awkwardness, I dedicated a portion of my life to really trying to mature myself up, but those efforts often caused more discomfort than ease for those around me. Turns out if you take a person who has a low tolerance for a pause in conversation, and she believes that pointing out the tension between the individuals would help alleviate the stress in the room, her efforts end up becoming more of a problem than a solution for the overall group dynamics.
While on the one hand I had a knack for causing uncomfortable situations; I also had a strong internal belief that it was my duty to make people feel comfortable at all times. So life hands me a line of 5 people, multiple overfilled grocery carts, and one cashier at Wal-Mart (I know it’s an outdated example, but it works.); I immediately assume the responsibility of engaging each person in said line. I’m asking the woman 3 people ahead of me if the value-sized bag of nuggets in worth the money, I acknowledge the guy behind me for wearing a cool hat, the lady in front of me looks overwhelmed by her kids so I assure her no one else is worried by them (naturally assuming I’m speaking for the majority as I extend her grace and understanding), and I then turn to acknowledge the man who just joined the line that the cashier is doing a great job at working us all through efficiently, and you get the point… I was just a lot, and no one was asking me to comfort them.
As you can imagine, I had a few years where I resented my awkward tendencies. Especially once I realized I was operating in roles no one asked me to fulfill. I started to get frustrated with the girl within me that couldn’t read a room and just let everyone be. I always knew I wanted to become a high-striving and accomplished person, and I longed for the day in which I would grow into my appropriate social skills and learn to be NOT AWKWARD.
Spoiler Alert: That day never came. I eventually had to face the harsh reality that I was just an awkward person, and while sometimes that obviously made things awkward; it also made me unique. I’m a person who has a high value for genuine connection, so if we are going to stand together in a line at Wal-Mart, my awkward self wants to hear a part of your story if you’re willing to share it. I’m also going to be honest and tell you that I’ve been bickering with my kids if you walk in my front door unexpectedly, and after we finish talking it out in front of you, I’ll offer you a leftover biscuit from breakfast, some homemade pear butter, and we can catch up for real. My journey through self-discovery helped me realize that my awkwardness enables me to be me. Of course, it still gets me in a bind from time to time when I freely point out elephants that everyone else strives to ignore, but I own the fact that I still can’t read every room. I then try to extend myself the same grace and understanding that I will continue to offer to random strangers throughout my life. Because I am who I am, and I’m learning to love myself for it.
This blog rambled, but that’s me too. If navigating the journey of self-discovery is something you are ready to embark on, I’d love to join you! Schedule a therapy appointment today!