My Journey with Depression
I used to wonder if I was capable of experiencing depression…
Of course, I would have moments of feeling down or deeply saddened, but I had talked to enough people who were truly plagued with the weight of their depressive states that I never felt the right to claim the experience for myself. For quite some time, I maintained the theory that I was too anxious of a person to swing to the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. However, I definitely understood that an intense emotion was capable of clouding a person’s capacity to perceive hope in their reality, and I empathized with those battling the various stages of this unpleasant state.
My first glimpse of depression started with a post-partum experience. The overwhelming shame I had towards feeling detached from the joy of such a beautiful season was humiliating, but even so I was numb. I would determinedly search for emotions and come up short again and again. I couldn’t describe the journey to be negative or positive; it was just factual. I had had a baby, and though I carried a deep sense of responsibility and duty to care for that baby; I couldn’t feel the journey. I was frustrated at myself for not being able to turn on the emotions I believed to be most proper, but I felt as if I had no power in the matter. I chose to relentlessly commit to the motions of the process until the emotional state of the experience aligned and the detachment lifted. But it was heavy.
Years later, a person very close to me experienced a tragedy. I spent a year relating every difficult experience I had to their story and firmly refused to feel ‘bad’ for myself because of it. I would tirelessly cope with my pain by telling myself “This isn’t a sad story, Ivy; this doesn’t even closely compare to ____, so get over it.” I maintained this attitude with determination and grit to the point that I believed I didn’t have the right to feel at all. I pulled the plug on my emotions and told myself it could be worse; until one day I physically couldn’t get myself out of bed. Turns out, comparing your pain to other’s pain doesn’t heal your pain, it actually leads to depression. This time around; I wasn’t just numb, I was lonely. I had unintentionally isolated myself from the comfort of the people close to me by refusing to share that I was struggling. It was a journey to reteach myself how to accept help and allow myself to endure hardship without comparing it to the hardships of others, but it was one worth taking.
Over time, I have learned that any underused, or overused, emotion can lead to voids within the human soul. We were given a full range of emotions to access, and if a person is unaware of the importance of the entire spectrum, then a primary influential state will consume the others throughout the scale- and a void begins to take shape. True emotional health can only occur when a person learns to utilize the entire range of options they carry within them, and though this can be an unpleasant process- living with a voided soul is unpleasant as well.
If you are a person who thinks they may struggle with depression, now is a great time to seek help! Follow the link below and schedule a therapy appointment today.