The Gifts of Grief

Everyone tells you the first year of grief is the hardest, and while we are just one year in- I can confirm that the first year was in fact hard.

After a true six months of complete fog and sickness; the summer was a breath of fresh air. Not absolute freedom, but definitely a clearer path forward than before. I thought maybe our commitment to lean into the pain of it all was buying us some early relief, but as fall came a new wave of dread started to set in that I didn’t see coming.

I found myself not ready for the first year to end. Almost afraid of moving too far from the pain as if it was the glue that was keeping her close. As we approached the long list of lasts our family shared, my season of increased motivation became paralyzed yet again.

The idea of celebrating the kids’ birthdays and all the holidays seemed like a space too big for me to fill for my family on my own, but with each passing event grief started to show another side of itself that the fog had kept hidden in those earlier months.

While death creates great absence; this holiday season showed us that a life well-lived can transcend the void death intends to create. Our memories are fortified with meaning far greater than physical time together; when they are threaded with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and goodness, those things are sewn into the earth’s fibers able to be accessed by those that are left behind. I never felt closer to her than on the days I needed her most. The times when I knew I wasn’t going to measure up; I didn’t need to. The life story she left behind was laced with a warmth still available to us. At times this brought us to tears and other moments deep laughter. Still hard, but oddly good in a way that only God could make possible.

This is not the first time death has hurt my family, and history tells me it will be far from the last… but this last year reminded me that living a life of meaning matters; not just now but for future generations as well. So much of life is beyond our control, but what we choose to sew into the earth today is a choice God allows us to have. 

If you’re a person who has found themselves in a season of grief and you are struggling to find any source of meaning within the fog; I would be proud to join you on your journey. Therapy is a great way to navigate the healing process and take a closer look at what the pain of grief can offer.